Ten Things
by RippedIntoPieces
Summary: Things in your life can make and break you. They make you who you are. Certain decisions can change your entire life. Remus Lupin made some, had some made for him, here is what they are.


Things in your life can make and break you. They make you who you are. Certain decisions can change your entire life. Remus Lupin made some, had some made for him, here is what they are.

Werewolf:

Being bitten, no matter how old you are, is possibly one of the most traumatic experiences you will ever have to go through. Remus recalls, both consciously and subconsciously, Greyback's attack. He remembers the sound of his screams and the cruel laughter as his flesh was torn into. Years later, the memory still haunts him; yet it was his parent's reaction which he thought were by far the worst part. Their relationship was strained at best, but his mother knew why he'd been attacked, she knew it was his father's fault, and whilst she pitied her son, there was always disgust hidden behind her eyes. When she treated his cuts, or when she locked him into a room, allowing him to rip it to shreds just to rid him of the wolf's anger, it all shook her to her core. She couldn't look at her little boy without shaking slightly in fear; she couldn't look at her husband, or go to him for support, because she knew it was his fault. Remus grew up in what could be called a broken home, but the cracks had been papered over with time and unless you looked close enough, you wouldn't be able to tell they were even there.

Friendship:

Compared to the crushing silence of his own home, Hogwarts was a sudden change. Remus was swept up in the noises, the sights, the lessons that were there. As soon as he had been attacked, he had thrown himself into books, aiming to seek out knowledge, to find a cure, an answer for the horrible thing that had happened to him. Hogwarts offered all this, and even more. For once, he had the most glorious thing anyone could have; he had friends. Sirius and James had already bonded as soon as they met one another, and whilst Remus may not have clicked with them as well as they did with one another, he knew they had a strong relationship. Whilst he did live in fear that one day they'd find out his secret, they'd follow him into the forest at night and see him for what he really was, he was content with just having people who cared for him. Even if it wasn't all of him, it counted. It meant something, no matter what that something was.

Discovery:

When the Marauder's found out his secret, Remus was convinced his heart had actually stopped the instant they asked where he went once a month. Once the dreadful words, "I'm a werewolf," had spilled from his mouth he was expecting their curious faces to twist into disgust, and their smiles to never shine his way ever again. Instead, they just stepped forward and enveloped him in a mass hug, James just shrugging and saying

"So what? You're still Remus to us. I don't see why you didn't tell us." Remus, afterwards known as Moony, then spent several years without fear, running around with his Animagus friends in the Shrieking Shack, not having to worry about injuring one another, because they were just animals playing together, there was no human element of fear to be scared about.

Falling:  
The problem with having strong friendships and those friendships being the first you've ever had before can lead to you going too far. By 6th year, Remus had moved from being the "other" best friend to Sirius, to being the best friend who was hopelessly in love with him. Fate never seemed to want to cut him any slack, firstly he made him a werewolf, then he made him a loner and now fate had deemed it amusing to make him fall in love with the one person he knew who would never ever consider loving him back. He clung to every word Sirius said to him. No matter how many pranks he did with James, Remus continued to find him endearing. When Sirius said something cruel and insulted him Remus actually thought someone had pierced his heart because all he could feel was hurt. Emotions that he usually felt were magnified incredibly in Sirius' presence, making the older boy smile made his entire day. When Remus finally plucked up the courage just to see whether he had any hope with Sirius he was shot down before he could even ask. Remus had tried his hardest to kill the feelings, but after seeing Sirius flaunt his newest girlfriend in Remus' face he decided to take evasive action. It was after waking up in the Shrieking Shack, with sunlight spilling in through the window and illuminating Sirius' elegant features, his dark eyes shining as he grinned from their night's activities, able to ignore the scratches on Remus' face and the tired expression, that Remus felt the need to tell him how he felt.

"I love you." He'd blurted out, almost without thinking about it. Sirius' eyes widened just slightly and he sighed quietly,

"A lot of people do Moony. I must remember to switch off my charm before I dazzle you too much."

"This isn't a joke Sirius. I just told you I love you and all you can say is that a lot of people do?" Remus asked, a touch of anger in his tone.

"Well, what were you expecting? Were you expecting me to suddenly fall at your feet and tell you I love you too? Because I don't Remus. I'm not gay. I don't want you that way. I'm your friend, that's all. I might not even be that any more if you're going to make a big deal about this." Sirius snapped quickly, his calm features now sharper, more angular with anger.

"So that's it? You're not even going to give me the time of day?" Remus asked bitterly,

"As a friend, I'll tell you the time no matter what. But anything more, then no, you'll have to buy a watch." Sirius said, a hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth

"This isn't a fucking joke Sirius! I suppose you brush off loads of people this way, I won't be given the same treatment as all those idiotic airheads you surround yourself with!" Remus shouted, standing up and glaring down at Sirius,

"Look, Remus. I do love you, but not in the way you want me to. You're my friend; you mean the same to me as James or Peter does. Nothing's going to change that. So, you can either stick to being an important person in my life, or you can moon over me and lose me permanently." Sirius said, placing a hand on Remus' shoulder sympathetically. Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling the burn of tears prickle his eyes.

"Fine. Consider the subject dropped. It's early enough to get back into school without being caught, I'll see you back at the dorm." Remus said, pushing past Sirius and heading downstairs, wiping his eyes with a sleeve and not looking back. From then on, he made sure he stayed the "other" best friend, all thoughts of love dropped from his mind, never to return until much later.

Money:

Remus left Hogwarts with plenty of qualifications; having worked hard for three years and achieved as many OWLs and NEWTs as he could he left the school with over 11 O's. Assuming he would most likely be able to get a variety of good jobs he moved out of his parents house as soon as he could, going out into the wizarding world in search of jobs. Employers were interested originally, they could see he was intelligent and sensitive, but when it came to personal questions and Remus had to reveal he was a werewolf, they shut the door in his face and wanted nothing more to do with him. As a "vicious half-breed", he couldn't get a job anywhere and word spread quickly, soon all of his possible employers knew his secret and he couldn't get employed anywhere. After falsifying records in the Muggle world he managed to secure some money for a flat and food. This new manner of living ostracised him from the wizarding world and as he watched his friends move up in their lives, getting married, having children, he felt bitter jealousy at their luck. He thought, multiple times about ending his life, because he couldn't see things getting any better, but then he realised he was too much of a coward to even try. His parents luckily left him some money when they died, his mother quickly following his father, but it wasn't enough to sustain him. Their house was sold, as well as the majority of their belongings and Remus was left in the same situation as before.

He thought that perhaps it would be better to live with someone else, he often fantasised about living with someone, coming home to someone, having someone – anyone – to kiss goodnight. His thoughts still strayed to Sirius, as hard as he tried to extinguish the spark inside him that ignited whenever he was around Sirius; the embers never quite went out. He remembered at Lily and James' wedding how good he had looked. Sirius, who had spent quite a while laying around and not doing anything with his life, had finally shaved and dressed up for the occasion. Just the sight of him in his dress robes, smiling warmly at Remus' made him drool slightly. Smothering feelings never seemed to work, and every time he saw Sirius, his heart swooned again.

The wedding was a turning point though; Remus watched as Sirius fell apart, seeing his best friend marry Lily and leave them. The marriage changed things, no matter how they had all pretended that it wouldn't. Sirius hadn't been expecting it; he'd thought they'd remain the same, at James' side even though Lily was with them. He knew now it would be different, and the knowledge was the reason he drunk far too much champagne that night. Remus remained sober, intending to chauffeur all the drunkards home and hope they didn't cause much trouble. He was preoccupied instead as he suddenly had to comfort the morose and drunk looking Sirius who was enviously watching Lily and James dance together on the golden dance-floor.

"It's not the end of the world Siri," Remus said softly, placing a comforting hand on Sirius' knee as he sat down beside him, "He'll still be there when you need him. Just now, he's got to be there for Lily too. He's still your best friend, no need to look so heartbroken. You knew this was coming." Sirius sniffed and nodded,

"Always the one with the knowledge Moony eh?" He hiccupped, and Remus could smell the fumes of alcohol wafting from Sirius. Hoisting Sirius up with one arm, he half carried him outside the tent into the quiet. Using his wand, he quickly fashioned a goblet and filled it with water, handing the goblet to Sirius.

"Drink it. You need to sober up." He commanded, shrewdly watching Sirius drain every last drop of water from the goblet, once finished he refilled it and sat down beside Sirius.

"This sucks. I hadn't thought about it before, but this is really quite rubbish." Sirius said earnestly, slurring slightly and leaning his head on Remus' shoulder. Remus casually wrapped an arm around his shoulder, hoping that Sirius wouldn't panic and shove him off.

"I know it does Padfoot, but sadly, you've got to get used to it. Soon, it'll seem like things have only ever been this way. Besides, you've still got me." Sirius looked up at Remus, squinting slightly, perhaps trying to impose James' face onto Remus', or maybe just seeing Remus as more than the Other best friend. Whatever it was that made him look up at Remus that way, he was oddly struck by the desire to kiss the man, and so, gently, he leaned in and captured Remus' lips in a soft kiss.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

At least, that would've been the way Remus would've hoped things might've panned out. The kiss wasn't some drunken fling of Sirius', Remus never asked what made him do it, but they kissed for what felt like a millennium. Later, back at Sirius' flat as they lay in tangled sheets breathing heavily, Remus could hardly believe his luck. Their fling soon ended though, but Remus remained the most important person in Sirius' life, whilst James coped with the upcoming birth of his child, Sirius used Remus to cope with the sudden gaping James-shaped hole that was now in his life. They went drinking together, they visited Lily and James together, and they stayed up all night reminiscing about Hogwarts _together. _The year and half he spent almost permanently in Sirius' company was the best he'd had in his entire life. It was unfair it ended, especially considering the circumstances.

The Marauder's knew that Lily and James were under threat from Voldemort; they knew that the good times between them were ending, and Remus could already feel Sirius slipping away from him. As soon as Lily and James, and now their son Harry, went into hiding, Remus spent a lot of time trying to soothe Sirius' frazzled nerves. But once again, he began to feel like the missing element in their relationship; Remus had worked out that the Potters were now under the Fidelius charm, and that Sirius was most likely their Secret Keeper, and now Sirius was reverting exactly back to how he had been before the wedding. Remus had often been left out of things in their relationship, and now he felt like there was a literal wall between them. He'd thought Sirius was just taking his job seriously; it wasn't until he came to stand outside the crumbling house in Godric's Hollow knowing inside were the dead bodies of two of his best friends, that he realised why Sirius was being so secretive. Sirius was the reason they were dead, he'd betrayed Lily and James to Voldemort.

Sirius was evil. He was a coward. He'd killed the most important thing in his life.

Remus couldn't believe it, couldn't breathe, couldn't think. He'd shut down, and all he could think was the reason that there was now an orphaned child crying on his aunt and uncle's doorstep was because his godfather hadn't been brave enough to die for the protection of his best friends. Remus' chest hurt, his heart was lodged in his throat, and his eyes were stinging with unshed tears. Half of him wanted to go after Sirius, to tear him apart from limb to limb, but instead he just stopped. He knew he wouldn't be able to kill Sirius if push came to shove, and it was that knowledge that stopped him from going after the man he loved. Weeks later and Sirius was carted off to Azkaban, screaming about Peter, screaming for justice. Many people thought justice had been served, but Remus didn't want to see another one of their group lose their lives. Something didn't add up, he didn't know why Sirius had gone after Peter, some would consider it madness, but Remus had remained safe, and if Sirius had turned the Potter's over, he wouldn't have been driven mad by grief. Something was wrong, but it was too late to find a solution. So Remus gave up, and stopped trying to live, the happiest days of his life behind him.

Professor Lupin:

Dementors were horrible things, for Remus it was bad enough to recall being attacked over and over again, he couldn't imagine what Harry must've seen or remembered when he collapsed on the train. He remembered Lily and James' funeral, and thank Merlin their coffins had been closed. Harry, whilst he had been a baby, would still remember what he saw and heard. Whilst he hadn't had any involvement in Harry's life - the boy didn't even know who he was – and he didn't know how Harry had grown up, he just knew that the boy would need protection, and he'd taken it to be his duty to try and keep the boy from doing anything reckless. The sudden escape of Sirius just made it all the more important to protect Harry, if not for James and Lily, but just because Remus hadn't done anything before and now was the best time for action.

Harry seemed to take a liking to Remus immediately; most students in fact, seemed to like him. It was a wonder he'd never decided to go into teaching before, he certainly enjoyed it. He knew secretly that without Snape's help with the Wolfsbane Potion he'd never be able to stay, and even though the man was still as bitter as he'd always been in his teenage years, Remus appreciated him. Becoming a teacher brought on another one of his "What if?" moments, times when he thought how different things might've been if he'd never been bitten, never befriended the people he had. What ifs often led to heartache, and the more Remus thought of them, the more trouble he ended up in. After Harry sought him out for lessons on combating Dementors, Remus was often struck with what ifs about Harry's own life. What if they'd chosen Remus as their Secret Keeper, what if Sirius had been braver, what if the Potters had never died, what if Harry had died with his parents? So many different paths to the one they were all following. Harry had grown up - perhaps not happily - but he was brave, he acted enough like his father not to be an idiot, but still to have the spark James Potter had, and he had Lily's eyes, Lily's wisdom, and her kindness. Remus recognised this; he recognised the raw power Harry possessed. He recognised his flaws as well as his attributes. It was this casual study of his best friend's child which led him to think, that this version of Harry Potter was one of the best, and what ifs would never solve anything.

Reunion:

Meeting Sirius again was glorious. Whilst at first Remus had been filled with the overwhelming urge to murder the gaunt man in front of him, his explanation as to what had happened quickly quelled his rage. As soon as this died in him, his love for the now haunted man rekindled itself almost immediately, and he was clinging to Sirius like he was a piece of driftwood in the middle of a fast rushing stream. Harry didn't understand, until he saw Peter and understood the anguish this one cowardly man had caused his entire family. To see Wormtail escape, off to find his master, tail between his legs was almost the last straw, another disappointment in a long list. It was the darkness filtering the glorious aurora that was Sirius' return. Harry recovered, of course he did, he was used to disappointment, but it remained a dark cloud in both Remus and Sirius' mind for months after. Sirius quickly escaped into the country side once again, occasionally sending a letter or two to Remus and once again, as he had been doing for the last thirteen years, Remus waited.

The new Order of the Phoenix was Remus' last chance to finally have a relationship with Sirius. He never thought of the trauma of Azkaban, how the Sirius he'd been in love with for so long wasn't the same one that sat in a chair and barked when he laughed, the one whose once bright eyes had been extinguished – that was the new Sirius. But Remus loved him all the same. Unconditional was how they'd become, and that was how they would remain. No matter how spoon-fed their relationship became, Sirius now dependent on Remus for human contact, he loved him merely because he had no one else to love, Remus remained by Sirius' side and tried to keep the other man as happy as he could.

It wasn't the same as the years after Hogwarts, it was nowhere close; but they had one another and that was pleasant. That was enough.

Loss:

Remus wanted to curse Harry so many times after Sirius fell through the veil, He wanted the shake the boy and show him how his stupid actions, no matter how he validated them had cost him the only person he had left in the world. But he didn't, he watched Sirius laugh and fall through the curtain, never to be seen ever again, leaving Remus with only memories of his face and no solid flesh to memorise, with no eyes to close and no forehead to kiss good-bye. He'd held Harry tight, knowing they'd both lost someone, he'd watched in shock as Harry had run off screaming for Bellatrix Lestrange. But this time round, he didn't just stop living. He acknowledged his loss, he wallowed, and then he moved on. He got better, and he didn't just exist. He lived.

Tonks:

Nymphadora was her name, and she was the complete opposite of Sirius. This was perhaps why Remus took a shining to her. Where Sirius had been graceful, Tonks was clumsy. Where Sirius had been dark and occasionally morbid; Tonks brought light into the world. He'd brushed her off originally, she was young, she had a future, and Remus was old and had nothing to bring to her life. He saw his rejection affected her terribly, but he didn't feel guilty because he knew what he'd done was right and would benefit her in the end. The death of Dumbledore prompted them to finally become a couple, and Remus found someone who loved him mutually, who wanted his happiness and not just their own. He could say this was possibly the event that truly made him who he was, all previous disappointments and pain disappeared from his life.

People say he was happy.

And really, he was.


End file.
